The Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations

Practice active listening and be there with the person you’re talking to.

We have talked about fierce conversations and generational dynamics in a previous article, which should act as a guide when thinking about communications strategies with your pupils’ parents and with your staff. Now, it’s time to go a little deeper into actually crafting those strategies.

In this article, we’ll talk about the seven principles of fierce conversations (from Susan Scott, the author of “Fierce Conversations”), how you can apply them to your childcare center, and how they can help you communicate sincerely and genuinely with your pupils’ parents and with your team members.

Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality

You always want to get to the truth, which is why you need to regularly interrogate reality in your workplace and in society in general. Really ask yourself, what has changed? Does your plan still make sense? And if it doesn't, what is required of you and of others?

Remember that everyone owns a piece of the truth about reality, and you need to consider whose reality should be explored before important decisions are made. Don't get into a power struggle with your staff or with your parents. At the end of the day, you need to decide whose reality is most important at that moment. 

Multiple realities are not competing. They just exist. So it's not about the power struggle of who's right and who's wrong. What you feel and what they feel are exactly okay. You both own a piece of the truth, so you can work together to figure out what to do.

When you're communicating with your staff and your parents, try to remove the word but from your vocabulary. “I hear you but….” “I agree with you but…” That seems defensive, and you don’t want that.

Come Out From Behind Yourself Into the Conversation and Make it Real.

When talking to your team or to your pupils’ parents, make sure to get out of your feelings and stop ego tripping. Be authentic and keep it real with them.

As much as possible, you want to be relatable to the people you communicate with. How real are you if you never share your story with your team or your families, right? 

For example, you have a parent that's coming in and they're telling you that they're struggling financially to pay their tuition. You probably know and understand that struggle. You can relate with that, but they’ll never know about it if you don’t tell them about it. Being open and being real will help them understand that you understand them.

And then you can say, “However, let me see what we can do to help you because at the end of the day, we still have to pay staff.” They will appreciate the fact that you told them that you understand what’s happening and what they need. 

Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else

People can tell when your mind isn’t into a conversation. This is why it’s important to  practice active listening. Be there with the person you’re talking to. Take time to actually acknowledge what they’re saying and listen to understand and not to respond.

Take the pulse of the relationship and approach conversations with a beginner's mind. Use the "secret rule:” ask questions instead of giving advice or declarative statements. Focus on "seeking clarity" by asking "Please help me understand" instead of "why." It’s less antagonistic and far more conversational.

Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today

Some people believe in going from smallest to biggest when facing challenges. We believe it should be the other way around. Burnout occurs because we have been trying to solve the same problem over and over and over again. Solving the biggest problem in front of you helps you avoid that. If you know something must change, then know that it is you who must change 

it.

Treat confrontation as a search for truth. Healthy relationships include both confrontation and appreciation. Have an attitude of gratitude when people bring up to you the things that you're uncomfortable hearing.

Obey Your Instincts

How we enter conversations is how we emerge from them. A careful conversation is a failed conversation. If you go into a conversation and you're already scared and you're already intimidated, it's over. You’ve lost. You need to be mindful, but you also need to be candid.

Listen to your internal voice, and pay attention to the emotions and the intent of the person you’re talking to. Look beyond the content of the conversation. At the end of the day, you may need to act on your gut feeling, even if it's uncomfortable.

Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake

An emotional wake is what people remember after a conversation. What they feel, the aftermath, the aftertaste, the afterglow, everything that comes after the other party leaves and you’re left to your own devices.

This is why you need to be mindful of the lasting impact of your words and actions. Aim to deliver messages without unnecessary negative emotional baggage. Be aware of your own emotional triggers and manage them. Whether you’re talking to parents or to a team member, be careful what you say, as even the smallest things can have a lasting impact on someone.

Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting

It might seem counterintuitive since we’re talking about fierce conversations, but remember that there is value in quietness. Talk with people, not at them. The more emotionally loaded the subject, the more silence that you need to have.

Let’s say you have a parent and they're going off on you, let them go off. It's hard, but let them do it in a safe space. Use silence to slow down the conversation so you can discover what it’s really about. As you're being quiet and you're listening to them, you can figure out how you wanna get it together to pull it back together.

Mastering these principles can help you become a more effective communicator, which is going to help you become a better childcare center director. You’ll be able to resolve conflicts easier and build better relationships with your staff and with your pupil’s parents.

The Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations